Saturday, June 16, 2007
Just when i thought that things couldn't get any worse... I was wrong.
Right now i feel really sad and i guess it feels a whole lot worse than i thought it would be.
It was always a probable thing? But i never expected it would happen now.
Not when i already have enough trouble handling my studies and problems in school.
Why then? Why did i have to be told about this a week before my exams? Whilst i'm struggling to finish the many topics? Whilst i'm thinking at the back of my head "what course do i want to study"? Whilst i'm pondering "will i be made to enlist early"? Whilst i ask myself "will i ever see her again"? When i feel insecure about my own abilities. When i feel insecure about friends. When i feel insecure about getting into the course of my choice. When i feel insecure about how godly a life i'm living.
Then there was the news broken to me. After a perfectly hearty lunch which i thoroughly enjoyed. As i sat there, the tastes that i had experienced were of no importance to me... Thoughts about how i was gonna finish studying were not in my mind. I tried to look at the faces of people walking through city link as i was told about what was going to happen, i realised that i was blanking out. I couldn't see the faces of the people walking although i stared out into the bustling walkway. I couldn't hear the voices that were speaking to me, explaining to me the reasons. I was oblivious to teh things happening around me. Though i did remember trying to keep the huge lump at the back of my throat under control. I don't think i've felt like crying so much in a long time and i didn't think i'd feel like that if it ever happened. Sigh.
Why is it that when i want to do well in school, things always happen to me preventing me from doing otherwise? Or for that matter even trying to do that.
Why is it that when i think "it can't get any worse than this". It almost always does?
Why is it that i can't have a happy and carefree life? Or for that matter one that souly revolves around school, homework, friends, band, God and a whole lot less of the bad stuff?
Why is it that last year, there were so many bad things that happened like disappointment pertaining to exco and what i had hoped for, like some people and what i had hoped for, like results and what i had hoped for and this year a whole new set of problems come?
Why did this happen to me? Is this a test? But if it's a test then why is it gonna affect my family?
Shouldn't i be tested. I. Something that i have at least limited control over? But this? Nope. I was simply told that it was so. And it will be so. And home will never be the way it once was.
Well as much as i have to and need to go back to organic chemistry, I can't simply because i feel this huge emptiness consuming me from within. And my pleas for help? Well i guess no one can help me because no one can solve this and i definitely don't wish to talk about this. So what then? Am i going to do badly again because i'm affected by external factors?
I pray that i don't.
I pray that all the exams will be over and that i will conquer them.
I pray for someone to pull me out of this hole and for someone to fill up the hole in me.
I hope He answers my prayers and carries me through this.
Life just sucks some times. Otherwise life is good. :)~~ posted by me on 5:34 pm
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